Here I am, almost at 3 weeks single, and I’m still alive. I’m still breathing, working, eating (some), sleeping, and doin ma thang. It hasn’t been easy, but life goes on. My emotions seem to be on an extended trip to King’s Island, taking full advantage of every roller coaster ride. Their favorite coaster is “Flight of Fear” (Yes, I’m aware that King’s Island has new ownership and all the names of the rides have changed, however; I will continue to call them by their original names). All it takes is a smell, a song, a memory, or a text from him, and I go from 0 to 54mph down that dark tunnel, twisting, turning, flipping, lurching. But, then it’s over, and relief is in sight.
I have friends and family to be thankful for. The people who sit next to me, behind me, in front of me on the ride. They listen, they hug, they call to see how I’m doing, and I know they pray. I know, because I feel it.
Earlier this week, when I was talking to my roommate and feeling especially low, I had an epiphany. You can have all of your friends and family around you, supporting you, but all it takes is that One Person to make you feel completely alone.
Think about it.
It’s true, isn’t it?
When you open up your heart to someone, I mean really open up, and they become your best friend/lover/confidant, and then you lose them…there is a big, empty hole.
So of course the only thing to do is fill it, right? But this is where it gets tricky, because there are soooo many things we can choose to try and fill that void with: food, alcohol, escaping into movies/books, exercising, work, social outings, shopping…you name it. None of these things are bad in themselves, and they do help in a way…but they are only temporary, only a distraction.
I bought a cute little square to hang on my wall today that reads “All you need is love.” I believe that to be true. The Bible says “Perfect love casts out all fear,” and “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. ”
There are different kinds of love.
There is the love between friends, which means the world to me. I’m not sure how I could do life without it. All it takes is a text with a funny video of Mer’s music students, or a FaceTime with Linds, or a Facebook message from Meg to lift me up. Roommates with a care package full of cute goodies to make you smile, a long-time friend to hold you when you cry…all of these are acts of love. All of these make me less empty.
There is the love of parents, which I’m so blessed to have. Calls from Dad telling me he loves me, just checking in. Texts and talks with Mom that only mothers and daughters can understand.
And of course, the love between a man and woman. I still have it, it hasn’t gone anywhere (much to my frustration) but it is no longer tangible, no longer acted out, rarely spoken. There is nothing there to hold it, or keep it, so it’s just kind of, there. Hanging out. Chillin. It no longer fills me. I don’t know what to do with it now.
I can’t help but wonder, if this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Are we, as humans, meant for our love to be misplaced? Are relationships meant to end before one passes from this life? My soul cries no! It feels so unnatural. If you’ve loved and lost, can’t you relate? When a relationship ends, and you didn’t want it to, in a way, it is like a death in the family.
I know, this all seems so dramatic, but let’s face it. Life and relationships are dramatic.
The video above is from an excellent movie. If you haven’t seen it, do. It had been years since I watched it, and when this scene came it was as if B and I had reenacted it. Literally, this conversation was had, in almost the exact same way. I was Jennifer Anniston’s character and he was Ben Affleck’s.
You never think you will end up in a place like that.
While your love for another can sometimes blind you to the truth, and leave you hurting; the love of others can warm you, open your eyes, and heal you.
I’m still learning about the kind of love the Bible talks about. I’m still trying to emulate it. It isn’t easy, but something tells me it’s worth it.